These days

Haven't really been the same.
I miss my family.
I miss when my sister use to want to do things with the family.
If you wanna get away from your kids fine.
Honestly no one thinks you should've had them in the first place.
What do you want?
Sympathy?
Because you're a single mother of two?
Think of how our mom felt.
She dealt with you and the other sister when your dad was out to sea.
Look where she is now.
She's got three kids she wouldn't rather live without.
Stop trying to get sympathy and do what you need to.
Step up to the plate and be a women.
Do what you were taught and stand up for yourself.
Stop fending off other people.
I know it's hard.
But it's almost 2009 you gotta stop living off mom.
She cant do it anymore.
She barely has enough money to support me and dad.
You have a job, you gotta hold yourself up now.
It's gonna be hard.
But as your sister, I know you can do it.
I fell in your footsteps as a kid.
But I wont do it as an adult.
I love you I do but not with you like this.

Last night was horrible.
I got high with my best friend.
It was fun at the time of course.
But I look back and I don't want to be that person.
The one who has to be fucked up to have fun.
I wanna have fun just being young and stupid.

I'm sorry for hurting you.
I didn't mean to lie so much.
It just...happened.
I'm not over you.
There was something there.
I ruined all of it.
But you knew being 8 hours apart wasn't going to work.
I'm sorry.

Three days to Christmas.
And I feel like shit.
This has been a horrible year.
I don't wanna be single for Christmas.
But of course I will be.
It's okay nothing new there.

Last year I was asked out on Christmas night.
But I was later dumped exactly two weeks later.

What are the chances I'll have better luck this Christmas.
I mean yeah I met this amazing boy.
But you see,
He's stuck between me and this other girl.
He doesn't know which he's going to choose.
And it sucks to know I could be backup.
Of course I don't mind being best friends with him like we are now.
But I want to be able to call him mine and show him off.
And have little tickle fights and then kiss me when were done playing.

Maybe I'm asking for too much.
By asking for too little.
It's time to stop the crying and start the inhaling.

You're a fucking pig.

You called me a liar last night because someone pranked called you.
And you assumed I gave robbie your number.
Why?
Because the pranker said my name.
The fucking world hates me of course they're gonna make it look my fault.
You just said "Robbie added me a week ago and then I get pranked with your name included."
I just looked.
Robbie never fucking added you.
You're as big as a liar as I am.
You're a fucking hypocrite.
I could strangle you right now.
You disgust me.
You thought I wouldn't find out?
You got me all wrong hun.
And then you'll let your friend sit there and call me a hoe?
And then you agree with him?!
AREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGME?!
I made a little mistake.
The whole fucking world makes mistakes.
You don't love me.
You never loved me.
FUCKYOU.
I'm done with your sorry ass.

Well...

Tuesday I tried to kill myself.
Strangle.
I wasn't happy with what was going on.
I hated everything.
Including myself.
I ruined what I loved the most.
Brandon.
No one gets it.
He showed me the love no one else did.
He showed me what I had been missing all these years.
And I just shoved him aside.
What was I thinking?
Sometimes its best if you let go of what you love.
So they say, but not for me.
I'm shaking and I'm crying.
I miss the life I use to have.
About a year ago.
When my dad actually tried to show he cared.
When my sisters loved everyone.
When I had all my friends.
When love was just a word to me.
No matter what I do.
I'm left with guilt on my shoulders.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm all out of ideas and I don't have a plan anymore.

Eh.

This weekend was alright.
Friday was hella fun.
Saturday was alright.
Sunday sucked.
Blegh.
School sucked.
I got footballs thrown at me because I'm different.
Because I'm not a stuck up bitch who flaunts their money to get attention and friends.
No way.
I cant wait for winter break.
Ugh.
Wish it would come faster.
I don't know these days have been strange.
Things change so quickly.
I need a cigarette.
Ugh.
I need a life.
A new one at least.
End of story.

Mixed Night.

Yesterday my day just flat out sucked.
I stayed home super sick.
I was miserable all day and night.
Then he pops up.
Just out of no where.
And of course I'm happy but then I'm not.
And now theres fighting going on.
And I down 8 zoloft.
How come I'm not dead yet?
Its happened 6 times already.
I don't get it.
Why have I become such a monster?
Ive changed for the worse.
Not even I like the new me.
I need more than help.

I Really Cant Do This

Not anymore.
Its getting to me way to much.
I'm tired of being shot down.
I'm tired of being blown off.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up.
Its sickening.
From now on I wont make plans with people.
If they want to hang out they will ask me.
From now on I'll stop telling people I like them and think they are cute.
If they want to be with me they will say something.

Being single sucks.
Not having someone on Valentines Day is like a huge slap in the face.
Seeing happy couples at school and around town makes me wanna puke.
Its so hard to do it.
I'm young and I don't care.
I want someone.
I want someone to fall in love with me.

I dont know.

I'm tired of trying to get lucky.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of not having someone to call my own.
I'm tired of not having someone to hold my hand.
I'm tired of being hurt.
I'm tired of not having someone to trust.
I'm tired of not hearing the words I Love You with meaning.
I'm tired of not having someone to be with on Valentines Day.
I'm tired of it all.

/:

Blegh.
Messed up mood.

Find me someone to love me?
Find me that someone special

Fuck me.

So now that I'm officially a bitch.
I guess I should just like..go die or something
Like seriously?
What more do you want from me?
Take my dignity take my friendship take my pride take it all to hell with you.
Im done with boys.
Seriously I cant do it anymore.
Im fed up with it to the rim.
Humph.


And when it comes to people insulting me.
Its ridiculous
I hear the same thing every time.
Like what the fuck seriously?
Get something better then snaggle tooth.



kaybye.
fml.

Fuck.

Fuck everything.
Fuck boys.
Fuck parents.
Fuck friends.
Fuck EVERYTHING.


I'm | | <--- that close to being done with everything.
Seriously right now i could explode.

There goes my life.

I've gone through all the boys in one group.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I'm so gross.
God.
Go shoot yourself you damn whore.
Being over weight from ice cream never felt so good.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know who I want anymore.
Someone please fix me.
Fix me to not be this person.
Plain and simple.
I'm an attention craving whore.
And I want it for all the wrong reason.
From all the wrong people.
Maybe tonight ill end it.
End my existence.
Sounds good to me.
Humph.
Bye.

Lately.

Ive contemplated suicide many times.
But Ive never really thought it through.
Ive tried it so many times but never worked fully.
Pills. Suffocation. Drowning. Cutting. Jumping.
You name it Ive probably tried it.
Its not funny nor fun.
I lived through it with my sister when I was a kid.
Watching her day by day cut herself.
As I grew older I followed in her footsteps.
I still continue to sometimes.
Its scary but I'm still here.
Not sure for how long but for now.
This isn't a threat.
But its not a cry for help either.
I'm just a simple girl in a complicated world.
I'm just someone trying to find someone to try and understand so they can help.


So I get a text from a boy I used to like asking to come over and hang.
I say yes and he arrives.
He sits and we watch TV.
He leaves.
About two hours later.
I receive a text asking if my parents would let him crash.
I say no but I say ill sneak him in.
About 3 o' clock rolls around.
Hes here.
Were watching a movie.
Shes sleeping on the couch.
He lays down.
I sit up.
The sound of him breathing keeps me calm.
Hes adorable when he sleeps.
I'm here awake in case my parents get up.
So I can wake him and tell him to hide.
I'm tired and my nose is running.
I feel bad for sneaking him in and disobeying my parents.
But I didn't want him to sleep in his car.
He had no where else to go.
Id rather get in trouble for him being in a warm safe place.
Its early morning.
He awakes and so do I.
He says he has to go.
So I walk him out.
Give him a hug and watch him drive away.

Now here I am.
I miss him.
I'm a fool.
I'm lonely.
I want someone.
I'm scared of boys.
I'm scared of commitment.
I'm scared of happiness.
I need someone here for me.

Different Day.

Today was interesting.
I started out in a weird mood as normal.
But then I went to mayport with Zach.
Had hella fun.
Went to food lion and he nearly killed me.
Then went to his house and chilled.
Now I'm home and feeling weird again.


I'm glad shes so happy.
But I'm tired of hearing about it.
You're always happy and I'm always not.
I liked him but you didn't even care.
What I am to you?
I don't get you.
Not at all.
Maybe theres a reason I don't shine through.
Maybe cos of everything I go through.
No one gets it.
I could write a novel in the simplest words.
Still no one would get it.
So I'm done helping people who don't ask.
I only get screwed over.
Each and every time so just fuck it all.

I'm done.

Its funny.

Every section of this was written on my phone within this weekend.

I cant stand listening to this conversation over and over again.
It's sickening.
Just fuck it.
I'm so over my family.
It's disgusting.
I cant take it anymore.
They wonder why I go crazy all the time and why I have an ulcer.
Maybe its all the fucking stress at home.
I'm about to be sick.
Just listening to everything.
Boo fucking hoo cry me a goddamned river.
I don't care anymore.
Cry else where.

Once again she knows I like him.
He's all over her and shes all over him.
Does she do anything about it?
Oh of course not.
Kiss him I dare you.
I told you but it just doesn't phase you.
I never told you how bad it hurts but I'm ready to call you a bitch.
You're a fucking bitch.
How could you?
I cant believe you.
Right in front of my fucking face.
But yet you're my best friend.
And I want you to be happy.
So I keep my mouth shut.

I guess these days I'm just not the perfect daughter anymore.
Because I'm not always in the best mood.
So I've had a bad month.
Nothing works out for me anymore anyway.
Why change things now?
Theres no point to be happy when I've been miserable my whole life.
Just please stop trying to be the perfect parents.
Because to be honest you're failing to be the parents you should be instead of the ones you're trying to be.
Just be natural for once.
Stop trying to be something you're not.
It's not working out for me or you.

Fuck it all to hell.

him(9:46:09 PM): goodbye. you've been a good friend.
me (9:46:12 PM): no
me (9:46:13 PM): stop
me (9:46:17 PM): right this fucking instant
him (9:46:30 PM): wtf think you're my teacher or some shit?
him (9:46:51 PM): yeah i do actually i think I'm a fucking friend trying to save your god damned life
me (9:47:04 PM): i lost my best friend to suicide in 7Th grade
me (9:47:12 PM): its not fucking happening again
him (9:47:23 PM): we do not know each other.
him (9:47:28 PM): so no heart ache.
me (9:47:44 PM): don't even give me that bullshit
him (9:48:12 PM): i mean a car is going to hit me.
him (9:48:39 PM): I'm not going to kill myself.
me (9:48:42 PM): whatever.
him (9:49:04 PM): yeah exactly.
me (9:49:08 PM): its fucking stupid.
him (9:49:12 PM): how?
him (9:49:21 PM): because i don't want to be here anymore.
him (9:49:34 PM): and I'm tired of every ones bullshit?
me (9:49:48 PM): that doesn't fucking give you a reason to want to die
me (9:49:53 PM): that gives you a reason to find new friends
him (9:50:00 PM): hahaha same diff.
me (9:50:15 PM): I'm glad you think this is hilarious
him (9:50:20 PM): it is.
him (9:50:27 PM): imo.
me (9:50:42 PM): whatever.
me (9:50:50 PM): fuck this I'm done trying to fucking help people
me (9:50:52 PM): FUCK IT
me (9:50:56 PM): NO ONE FUCKING CARES
him (9:51:10 PM): i care.
him (9:51:18 PM): but I'm no one so yeah
him (9:51:30 PM): i go about my fucking lame ass life unknown.
him (9:51:45 PM): but yeah I'll fuck off.
him (9:51:52 PM): bye.
me (9:51:56 PM): life unknown?
me (9:52:01 PM): yeah that's bullshit and you know it
me (9:52:05 PM): the fucking world knows
me (9:52:06 PM): you
me (9:52:10 PM): and EVERYONE fucking cares
me (9:52:15 PM): weather you god damned believe it or not
him (9:52:33 PM): i don't..cause i hate when people care about me so i push them away.
him (9:52:46 PM): why do you think I'm a dick all the time?
me (9:53:08 PM): because you try and try but I'm one fucking person who wont go away that's something you don't seem to understand about me
him (9:53:25 PM): yeah because you claim to "love" me.
me (9:53:42 PM): fuck it Stephen ill just never say it again EVER
him (9:53:48 PM): okay.
me (9:53:50 PM): you don't seem to believe me
me (9:53:51 PM): EVER
him (9:54:00 PM): cause it's bullshit.
me (9:54:11 PM): whatever
him (9:54:17 PM): it is and you fucking know it.
me (9:54:41 PM): nope. you don't know what i feel so you wouldn't fucking know how i feel so don't even try and say you know
him (9:55:10 PM): okay...then why do you think you love me...honestly i want a god damn logical answer.
me (9:57:14 PM): because Stephen. its plain and fucking simple. its right in front of your face. i must feel some love for you for all the times you've shoved me away and right now I'm STILL fucking here. your amazing believe it or not your open and honest. and you say the most amazing things that could make any girl fall for you
him (9:58:09 PM): don't see what i say.
him (9:58:14 PM): or how I'm so open and honest.
me (9:58:34 PM): you don't see anything in yourself its up to everyone else to see it and point it out
him (9:58:49 PM): and i don't let people do that.
him (9:58:57 PM): that's when i tell them to get the fuck out of my life.
me (9:59:10 PM): exactly
me (9:59:15 PM): but yet I'm still here imagine that
him (9:59:44 PM): don't fucking see why.
me (9:59:55 PM): yeah i know you don't
me (10:00:06 PM): and i don't fucking care cos I'm not going anywhere
him (10:00:26 PM): well you may not be but i sure as hell am.
me (10:00:42 PM): mhhm.
him (10:00:51 PM): yep.
him (10:00:53 PM): so I'm done.
him (10:00:55 PM): goodbye.
him (10:01:01 PM): you wont hear from me again.
me (10:01:06 PM): mhhm.
me (10:01:19 PM): see you in hell.
me (10:01:26 PM): ill be there
him (10:01:27 PM): there is no hell.
him (10:01:38 PM): we just die and then that's it.
him (10:01:42 PM): no fucking after life.
him (10:02:02 PM): the only place we go is six feet under.
me (10:02:14 PM): mhhm.
me (10:02:19 PM): like i said
me (10:02:21 PM): see you there.
him (10:02:25 PM): ha.
him (10:02:27 PM): okay sure.
him (10:02:53 PM): but yeah tonight is the last anyone will know of Stephen.
me (10:03:02 PM): yep
me (10:03:44 PM): I'm thinking about 30 will do it.
me (10:03:48 PM): 30 Zoloft
me (10:03:51 PM): hm sounds good tome
me (10:05:15 PM): time to write my last blog.
me (10:05:17 PM): BYE
him (10:12:05 PM): bye.
him (10:16:27 PM): have a good night.
me (10:16:38 PM): i will when I'm dead.
me (10:16:39 PM): thanks
him (10:16:42 PM): wow.
him (10:16:44 PM): nice.
me (10:16:53 PM): i know right.
me (10:16:56 PM): i cant wait
me (10:17:05 PM): I'm stoked to feel death approach me
him (10:17:12 PM): that's chill.
him (10:18:12 PM): have fun with that.
me (10:18:22 PM): i will.
me (10:18:25 PM): thanks.
me (10:18:36 PM): not like you care or anything.
me (10:18:38 PM): so yeah
him (10:18:39 PM): ha.
him (10:18:47 PM): see you think you know me.
him (10:18:56 PM): just like everyone else.
me (10:19:08 PM): you don't care.
me (10:19:12 PM): if you gave two shits
me (10:19:15 PM): you wouldn't push me away
me (10:19:29 PM): and you damn sure wouldn't threaten me with your death
him (10:19:29 PM): i push people away to better them selves.
him (10:19:42 PM): i threatened you?
me (10:20:23 PM): just forget it
him (10:20:31 PM): okay.
him (10:20:37 PM): i forgot.
him (10:20:46 PM): so what are we talking about again?
me (10:21:09 PM): ...
him (10:21:24 PM): you told me to forget something so i did.
me (10:21:47 PM): okay smart ass.
him (10:21:57 PM): glad you noticed.
me (10:22:05 PM): wouldn't be the first time.
him (10:22:10 PM): lawl.
him (10:22:30 PM): so the truth comes out.
him(10:22:56 PM): you really don't give a fuck because i annoy and I'm a smart ass.
me (10:23:04 PM): nope
him (10:23:05 PM): glad you tell me this now.
me (10:23:07 PM): i never said that
me (10:23:12 PM): stop putting words in my fucking mouth
me (10:23:20 PM): i never fucking said you were annoying.
him (10:23:20 PM): more like fingers.
him (10:23:29 PM): cause you're not speaking to me.
him (10:23:36 PM): ooh look smart ass again.
him (10:23:43 PM): man I'm good at this.
him (10:23:52 PM): ooh shit again.
me (10:23:58 PM): you amaze me
him (10:24:01 PM): two for the boys back home.
him (10:24:13 PM): why thank you.
him (10:25:22 PM): I'm glad i amaze someone.
me (10:25:35 PM): yep.
me (10:25:38 PM): always have.
him (10:25:51 PM): aw how sweet.
him (10:27:05 PM): but yeah goodbye for good and shit.
him (10:27:13 PM): unless i feel nice one day
me (10:27:16 PM): mhhm.
him (10:27:29 PM): which i doubt will happen.
him (10:27:38 PM): cause I'm a smart ass all the fucking time.
me (10:27:52 PM): oh boy!
me (10:27:54 PM): HOW FUN
him (10:27:59 PM): you know it.
me (10:28:27 PM): mhhm.
him (10:28:35 PM): so..
him (10:28:37 PM): good..
me (10:28:39 PM): bye
him (10:28:39 PM): fucking..
him (10:28:40 PM): bye.
me (10:28:44 PM): peace out
him (10:29:40 PM): I'm an ass hole.
me (10:30:05 PM): ...
me (10:30:12 PM): that's an understatement...

Nothing like a good old fight.
Gotta fucking love them.
Man oh man they just make my life.
I'm so tired of it all.
Of people.
Its like a daily thing with him.
I just don't know what to do with him anymore.
FUCK.

Lunch Alone

I ate lunch alone today, my best friend left school early.
But it gave me time to think.
45 minutes still wasn't enough though.
I'm stuck between two boys.
The one I'm in love with hundreds of miles away and the one I love who's right here for me.
I don't know what to do.
The boy I'm in love with has hurt me 4 to many times.
The boy I love is the one I hurt almost 3 years ago.
How they still like me after all I've done to both of them is a mystery left unsolved.

Ive been unbearable pain since yesterday.
I think I've made my gastric ulcer into a bleeding ulcer.
Which if thats so if I've made it so bad I might have to get surgery.
We don't have the money for that.
We barely have enough money to make a good food shopping trip.

It's getting rough these days.
My home life is intertwining with my school life.
I'm falling behind again.
Its not easy.
But its not hard either.

It's like every night I get into this incurable depression.
No matter what I do nothing helps me cheer up.
The anti depressants aren't working anymore and sometimes they even make me think of death.
But that wouldn't be the first time either.

I don't know.
I just need help that I cant seem to find.

November 12th

The boy of the dreams decides to talk to me now.

I admit I miss him like hell.
Yesterday would've been our five months.
):
Every since we broke up my life has been different.
He meant the world to me and he didn't even realize it.
Its amazing how things can change so easily and so fast.


My dads about to lose his job.
My moms hours have been cut.
They're doing everything to find new jobs or second ones.
But nothing seems to be working.
With the economy sucking so badly no one seems to be hiring.
It sucks.

You see my oldest sister thinks Christmas is all about presents and gifts from loved ones.
And its not.
Its about being with ones who love you and being with ones you love.
Being a family for once in a whole year.
Everyone showing they care just by being together.

I just miss summer 08'
Everything fell right into place.
School started and everything fell apart.
I started losing friends.
I got dumped.
My family is being torn apart.
I'm the only one busting my ass to keep my family together.
I seem to be the only one who cares anymore.
Hmph.

I don't know anything anymore.
I'm off to try to sleep.
<3