Lunch Alone

I ate lunch alone today, my best friend left school early.
But it gave me time to think.
45 minutes still wasn't enough though.
I'm stuck between two boys.
The one I'm in love with hundreds of miles away and the one I love who's right here for me.
I don't know what to do.
The boy I'm in love with has hurt me 4 to many times.
The boy I love is the one I hurt almost 3 years ago.
How they still like me after all I've done to both of them is a mystery left unsolved.

Ive been unbearable pain since yesterday.
I think I've made my gastric ulcer into a bleeding ulcer.
Which if thats so if I've made it so bad I might have to get surgery.
We don't have the money for that.
We barely have enough money to make a good food shopping trip.

It's getting rough these days.
My home life is intertwining with my school life.
I'm falling behind again.
Its not easy.
But its not hard either.

It's like every night I get into this incurable depression.
No matter what I do nothing helps me cheer up.
The anti depressants aren't working anymore and sometimes they even make me think of death.
But that wouldn't be the first time either.

I don't know.
I just need help that I cant seem to find.