Lately.

Ive contemplated suicide many times.
But Ive never really thought it through.
Ive tried it so many times but never worked fully.
Pills. Suffocation. Drowning. Cutting. Jumping.
You name it Ive probably tried it.
Its not funny nor fun.
I lived through it with my sister when I was a kid.
Watching her day by day cut herself.
As I grew older I followed in her footsteps.
I still continue to sometimes.
Its scary but I'm still here.
Not sure for how long but for now.
This isn't a threat.
But its not a cry for help either.
I'm just a simple girl in a complicated world.
I'm just someone trying to find someone to try and understand so they can help.


So I get a text from a boy I used to like asking to come over and hang.
I say yes and he arrives.
He sits and we watch TV.
He leaves.
About two hours later.
I receive a text asking if my parents would let him crash.
I say no but I say ill sneak him in.
About 3 o' clock rolls around.
Hes here.
Were watching a movie.
Shes sleeping on the couch.
He lays down.
I sit up.
The sound of him breathing keeps me calm.
Hes adorable when he sleeps.
I'm here awake in case my parents get up.
So I can wake him and tell him to hide.
I'm tired and my nose is running.
I feel bad for sneaking him in and disobeying my parents.
But I didn't want him to sleep in his car.
He had no where else to go.
Id rather get in trouble for him being in a warm safe place.
Its early morning.
He awakes and so do I.
He says he has to go.
So I walk him out.
Give him a hug and watch him drive away.

Now here I am.
I miss him.
I'm a fool.
I'm lonely.
I want someone.
I'm scared of boys.
I'm scared of commitment.
I'm scared of happiness.
I need someone here for me.