These days

Haven't really been the same.
I miss my family.
I miss when my sister use to want to do things with the family.
If you wanna get away from your kids fine.
Honestly no one thinks you should've had them in the first place.
What do you want?
Sympathy?
Because you're a single mother of two?
Think of how our mom felt.
She dealt with you and the other sister when your dad was out to sea.
Look where she is now.
She's got three kids she wouldn't rather live without.
Stop trying to get sympathy and do what you need to.
Step up to the plate and be a women.
Do what you were taught and stand up for yourself.
Stop fending off other people.
I know it's hard.
But it's almost 2009 you gotta stop living off mom.
She cant do it anymore.
She barely has enough money to support me and dad.
You have a job, you gotta hold yourself up now.
It's gonna be hard.
But as your sister, I know you can do it.
I fell in your footsteps as a kid.
But I wont do it as an adult.
I love you I do but not with you like this.

Last night was horrible.
I got high with my best friend.
It was fun at the time of course.
But I look back and I don't want to be that person.
The one who has to be fucked up to have fun.
I wanna have fun just being young and stupid.

I'm sorry for hurting you.
I didn't mean to lie so much.
It just...happened.
I'm not over you.
There was something there.
I ruined all of it.
But you knew being 8 hours apart wasn't going to work.
I'm sorry.

Three days to Christmas.
And I feel like shit.
This has been a horrible year.
I don't wanna be single for Christmas.
But of course I will be.
It's okay nothing new there.

Last year I was asked out on Christmas night.
But I was later dumped exactly two weeks later.

What are the chances I'll have better luck this Christmas.
I mean yeah I met this amazing boy.
But you see,
He's stuck between me and this other girl.
He doesn't know which he's going to choose.
And it sucks to know I could be backup.
Of course I don't mind being best friends with him like we are now.
But I want to be able to call him mine and show him off.
And have little tickle fights and then kiss me when were done playing.

Maybe I'm asking for too much.
By asking for too little.
It's time to stop the crying and start the inhaling.

You're a fucking pig.

You called me a liar last night because someone pranked called you.
And you assumed I gave robbie your number.
Why?
Because the pranker said my name.
The fucking world hates me of course they're gonna make it look my fault.
You just said "Robbie added me a week ago and then I get pranked with your name included."
I just looked.
Robbie never fucking added you.
You're as big as a liar as I am.
You're a fucking hypocrite.
I could strangle you right now.
You disgust me.
You thought I wouldn't find out?
You got me all wrong hun.
And then you'll let your friend sit there and call me a hoe?
And then you agree with him?!
AREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGME?!
I made a little mistake.
The whole fucking world makes mistakes.
You don't love me.
You never loved me.
FUCKYOU.
I'm done with your sorry ass.

Well...

Tuesday I tried to kill myself.
Strangle.
I wasn't happy with what was going on.
I hated everything.
Including myself.
I ruined what I loved the most.
Brandon.
No one gets it.
He showed me the love no one else did.
He showed me what I had been missing all these years.
And I just shoved him aside.
What was I thinking?
Sometimes its best if you let go of what you love.
So they say, but not for me.
I'm shaking and I'm crying.
I miss the life I use to have.
About a year ago.
When my dad actually tried to show he cared.
When my sisters loved everyone.
When I had all my friends.
When love was just a word to me.
No matter what I do.
I'm left with guilt on my shoulders.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm all out of ideas and I don't have a plan anymore.

Eh.

This weekend was alright.
Friday was hella fun.
Saturday was alright.
Sunday sucked.
Blegh.
School sucked.
I got footballs thrown at me because I'm different.
Because I'm not a stuck up bitch who flaunts their money to get attention and friends.
No way.
I cant wait for winter break.
Ugh.
Wish it would come faster.
I don't know these days have been strange.
Things change so quickly.
I need a cigarette.
Ugh.
I need a life.
A new one at least.
End of story.

Mixed Night.

Yesterday my day just flat out sucked.
I stayed home super sick.
I was miserable all day and night.
Then he pops up.
Just out of no where.
And of course I'm happy but then I'm not.
And now theres fighting going on.
And I down 8 zoloft.
How come I'm not dead yet?
Its happened 6 times already.
I don't get it.
Why have I become such a monster?
Ive changed for the worse.
Not even I like the new me.
I need more than help.